


Paladin's Passion (Saga of an Altean Soap Opera)

by miraculousstorytelling



Series: Voltron: Legendary Fairy Tales [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Silly, Team Bonding, altean soap opera
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:18:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7595956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraculousstorytelling/pseuds/miraculousstorytelling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lance, Pidge, and Hunk discover a trove of Altean television, they pick a show at random and become completely engrossed in a terrible Altean soap opera. Shiro and Allura keep interrupting to make them train, so they begin constructing barricades to keep them out. Created in response to a prompt posed by my sister to rewrite the story "Three Little Pigs" in the Voltron universe. Basically, an excuse to write the characters bonding over a trashy TV show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paladin's Passion (Saga of an Altean Soap Opera)

It began innocently enough. Lance, Pidge, and Hunk had discovered a trove of Altean television quite by accident. Curious, they had started watching an old space series that featured their lions on the front. By the time they realized it was essentially an Altean soap opera that translated to "Paladin's Passion", they were already hooked. Fortunately for them, the castle had the entire series available for viewing, and with a distinct lack of Galra activity, the trio had spare time to indulge in their newest fascination.

Keith was tricked into watching an episode and left five minutes in. Coran watched when he could. Shiro and Allura, on the other hand, felt that their downtime would be better spent training, which was why the small group started constructing simple barriers to keep them out. The first time Shiro found them, Lance piled up pillows behind the door.

Shiro frowned, "Lance, open the door."

"No! You don't understand! Arantxa is leaving Heston for Paxon! We have to know what happens next!"

"I didn't understand a single word you just said," Shiro replied, sounding tired already, "But, it's been two days, and you need to come train."

"Okay, okay, Arantxa is the pink paladin and Heston is the orange paladin. Paxon is _pretending_ to be the purple paladin, but _there_ _is no purple paladin_! She's about to make the biggest mistake of her life!"

Shiro scowled, "Well, the plot twist can wait. You need to come out and train. At least _eat_."

Hunk's voice sounded from the distance, "I have snacks! We're good!"

Shiro knocked on the door again, deciding to try a new tactic, "Pidge, let me in!"

Pidge shouted, "No way! You can huff and puff, but we'll never let you in!"

Shiro sighed and opened the door, knocking over a pile of pillows Lance had used to fortify the door in the process. He glanced down at the pillows with a raised brow.

Lance wilted at the disappointed look Shiro sent his way, "But... But, Arantxa..."

"Time to go." Shiro said, voice commanding enough to jolt the others into action. Pidge stood and trudged out of the room, followed shortly by a pouting Hunk and a grumbling Lance.

 

The second time they snuck away, Hunk barricaded the door with spare furniture. They managed to go three days before Allura finally came to retrieve them.

"Open the door, paladins. We must train."

Pidge answered this time, "Allura, you don't understand!" Her voice was pitched higher than normal, "Arantxa just found out that her parents are still alive and she's _part robot_!"

Allura rolled her eyes, "You can't seriously be watching Paladin's Passion. That show was atrocious."

Coran chimed in from behind her, "Actually, it was quite engaging!"

Allura sent Coran a look that was half-disbelief, half-concern before turning back to the door, "It's not genetically possible for an Altean to be born half-robot."

"Her robot dad is from the future!" Lance yelled, as if that explained everything, "They explained it all in the episode where Idalia learned that Arantxa can't cry!"

"What? That doesn't even..." She grimaced, "That's not the point. We need to continue training if we hope to defeat Zarkon."

Hunk shouted, "Guys! It's starting!"

The three fell silent, ignoring Allura's shouts through the door. Finally, she tried to shove it open, but the door seemed to be blocked from the inside.

Lance shouted, "Idalia, yes! You tell Krithik exactly where he can stick his-"

"Paladins!" Allura yelled, "Open this door now!"

"Not by the hair of our chinny chin chins!" Hunk yelled back.

Allura was briefly puzzled as Coran simply shrugged beside her.

Pidge whooped from inside, "That girl can wield a particle blaster! She just took out ten of those fake Paxons with one blow!"

Allura banged on the door, "Let me in!"

The three simply ran to the pile of furniture and braced themselves for Allura's next assault. They continued to watch as Allura shoved against the barricade. Eventually, she resorted to shape shifting and tore the door off before barreling into the room as a creature that closely resembled a human-dinosaur hybrid.

Lance shrieked as he dove behind the couch. Pidge grabbed an end table to defend herself as Hunk just openly stared.

"Training room," she bellowed, narrowing her red eyes, "Now!" Lance scurried out, practically sprinting down the hallway. Pidge followed, still hyper aware of Allura as she exited the room.

Hunk grinned, "Wow, you look awesome."

Allura sighed as she returned to her normal Altean form, "Training room. Please."

Hunk looked disappointed, but he obliged, chatting with Coran as they walked. They had a minor squabble over whether or not Heston should have forgiven Arantxa for nearly leaving him twice now, but they arrived at the training room all the same. Allura followed, sighing.

 

The third time, Pidge decided to take matters into her own hands. No one asked where she found the materials to build an honest to goodness brick wall. Frankly, Lance was afraid to find out. When Hunk expressed concern for actually being able to leave the room, Pidge assured him it was taken care of. All they needed now were supplies.

Hunk had prepared, engineering another food goo dispenser that he fixed to the wall and hooked into the main food supply. Pidge kept lookout while Lance and Hunk grabbed as many snacks as they could hold and dashed to their base. They'd deliberately chosen a room with an attached bathroom, and each had packed overnight bags.

With fortifications taken care of, the three settled in for some onscreen drama. Shortly after they started, Coran was knocking on the door.

Pidge cautiously approached the door, "What's the secret password?"

Coran responded with a stealthy glance behind him, "Orange and pink clash."

"Are you alone?"

"Yes."

Pidge punched in a few numbers beside the door and the bricks momentarily vanished into thin air.

Lance openly gawked at the open space while Hunk brightened, "Oh, you got the quantum teleporter to work!"

Pidge grinned, "I just needed the right motivation."

Coran slipped inside and settled on the couch as Pidge returned the bricks to their previous location, "So, what's going on now?"

"Okay, okay," Lance began, "So, Paxon's evil twin just showed up, claiming to be the real purple paladin. Apparently, there's a long lost prophecy that Arantxa discovered while she was out finding juniperberries to save Idalia from the poison Krithik slipped into her shampoo."

"Ooh, yes. I remember! Quite harrowing!"

"Oh, she was at death's door!" Hunk said, wide-eyed. "I was bawling."

Pidge plopped into the seat beside Coran, "It was pretty obvious they weren't going to kill her. My guess is that she's the real purple paladin."

"What?" Lance stared, "No way! It's totally going to be Arantxa's long lost twin brother."

Hunk scowled, "Guys, it's obviously going to be Paxon. The dude is destined for a redemption arc."

Lance and Pidge protested simultaneously, Lance shouting that Paxon didn't deserve a redemption arc with his terrible hair and Pidge screeching that if Hunk really thought that, they should check him for brain damage. Clearly, this was not their first discussion concerning the purple paladin.

They were interrupted by another knock.

This time, Lance approached the door warily, "What's the secret password?"

"Let me in, dummy."

Lance glared at the door, a brow raised in confusion, "Keith?"

Keith heaved a sigh, "Look, is Arantxa going to the dance with Heston or not? The suspense is _killing_ me."

Pidge rattled off the code for Lance to let Keith in, and Lance punched in the numbers with a flourish. Lance's cocky grin only made Keith scowl further as he stalked into the room.

"I'm only staying until I find out about the dance," Keith insisted, "Then, I'm leaving."

"Suuuuure, buddy," Lance smirked as he typed the code in that would replace the brick defenses, "You keep telling yourself that." He condescendingly patted Keith's head as he returned to his spot on the couch, earning him a glare.

Courtesy of Lance's incessant talking during training, Keith was up to date on the twists and turns of Paladin Passion, so they were able to jump right in. Soon, all five of them were thoroughly engrossed in the story. Keith continued to watch even after they learned the dance was delayed because Krithik was holding the orchestra hostage.

Shiro found them first, this time hours later. He banged on the door, "Guys this isn't funny. Open the door."

"No way!" Pidge shouted, "We're about to find out who the grey paladin is!"

Shiro paused, "Grey? How many paladins are there?"

Hunk piped up, "Well, there's the original yellow, black, green, blue, and red. Then, they added a second hero named Norlvto. She's made up of the pink paladin and the orange paladin for now, but if the purple paladin and the grey paladin join, her powers will be doubled. There's rumors about a gold and silver paladin, too, but that's mostly just foreshadowing, I think."

"Foreshadowing?" Keith scoffed, "They're obviously a red herring."

"You're a red herring!" Lance shouted dramatically.

Shiro stared at the door, "Keith? Are you in there?"

Keith blushed, "Umm..."

"I thought you said you were training," Shiro frowned.

"I was...until my curiosity got the best of me."

"Open the door," Shiro ordered.

Keith sighed, "Okay."

Before he could stand, Coran, Hunk, and Lance jumped on top of him to hold him in place as Pidge glared at him, "Keith, if you even look at that door, you're dead to me."

Keith's eyes widened in shock, "Whoa..."

"No one's opening the door, Shiro!" Lance yelled, "You'll just have to wait until we find out if it was Heston or Heston's evil clone that asked Idalia to marry him."

"No way," Hunk frowned, "It was one of Paxon's illusions."

"Paxon? He's never shown any interest in Idalia." Coran protested, "Which is a shame. She's a lovely girl."

Shiro was flabbergasted now, "Coran?! Allura said you were cleaning the healing pods."

Coran winced, "Well, see, I did. I only came here once I finished."

Shiro sighed, "Okay. This is ridiculous. One of you come here and let me in."

"Not a chance!" Hunk and Lance yelled in unison.

Keith sighed, "Shiro, we're not coming out! I'm sorry!"

Shiro walked away. Time for reinforcements.

They returned to watching for another ten minutes before a loud thud caught their attention.

Allura shouted from the other side, "Open this door!"

Coran had to be held down this time, Keith much too invested in Krithik's tragic backstory to consider allowing the duo in now.

"Go away, space mom!" Lance shouted.

"Space mom?" Allura asked softly.

Shiro scowled, "Lance don't you speak to space mo- I mean Princess Allura like that!"

"Ha ha, he called her space mom," Lance snickered.

"Coran, let me in!" Allura demanded, punching the door.

"I'm sorry, but I can't!" Coran replied, though he clearly wasn't trying very hard to escape Hunk's admittedly weak hold on him. He, too, was invested in the story.

"Guys, guys! Krithik is Heston's long lost brother!" Keith shouted.

"What?!" Lance squeaked, prompting a laugh from the rest of the room, "Krithik isn't even Altean! They said he was an alien like ten times when he first appeared."

"Oohh..." Hunk murmured, "So, Heston's an alien?"

"Half alien," Coran clarified, "They share a mother."

"But he looks Altean," Keith insisted.

"Genetics are a fickle beast," Coran replied with a smile, "You'd be surprised."

Allura and Shiro returned from their quiet huddle, a new plan of attack at the ready. "Okay, we give up." Shiro announced, "We'll watch with you, but you have to let us in first."

A chorus of "come on"s and at least two "do you really think we're gonna fall for that"s was their only reply.

"All right." Allura responded through gritted teeth, "Plan B."

She shape shifted again, this time into a being made of pure metal. She smashed the door open, but the brick wall didn't budge.

Pidge smirked, "That's not gonna work this time. I replicated the castle's particle barrier and used it to shield the room."

"What?" Allura yelled indignantly, "That's completely unnecessary!"

"It would be if you'd just let us watch!" Pidge shouted back, "You broke in two times already!"

Shiro pounded on the reinforced brick wall, "You have to leave eventually!"

"No, we don't!" Hunk chimed in, "We have a bathroom and spare clothes, and we have plenty of food!"

"Your food is bound to run out eventually!" Shiro shot back, irritated now.

"No, it won't," Coran replied helpfully, "Hunk tapped into the main supply of food goo and made his own dispenser. Quite ingenious, really."

"Coran..." Allura began, a warning tone to her voice.

"Oh, turn it up! Turn it up!" Lance shrieked, "Arantxa is about to tell Heston about Krithik!"

Shiro and Allura just listened in disbelief as once again, their authority was completely ignored.

"What?!" Keith screamed, "Arantxa just dumped him? After everything she put him through?"

Lance jumped to his feet, "There's no way! Those two were made for each other!"

"Actually, I like her better with Xylethia," Hunk said.

"You've got to be kidding me," Lance sent Hunk a frown.

"They're rivals," Keith added, "Constantly at each other's throats."

"I dunno. It seems kinda like flirting sometimes." Hunk shrugged, "Besides, Xylethia had that bonding moment with her..."

"That was just a platonic team thing," Lance countered, "She was dying."

"Oh no!" Allura shouted, injecting false horror into her tone, "The Galra are attacking! Quick! You must form Voltron!"

Everyone turned to stare at Coran who frowned, "That's a cruel trick, isn't it? The alarms aren't even going off."

Shiro gently led Allura away, "Listen, we have to strategize."

" _They_ should be listening," Allura grumbled, "What kind of paladin doesn't respect the leader?"

Shiro chuckled, "It's okay. I have just the plan."

 

"Ugh. What's Joe doing now?" Keith complained as others groaned in frustration.

"Seriously, why does he keep trying to convince Arantxa to join Paxon?" Lance huffed.

"I'm telling you guys, Paxon is going to get a redemption arc," Hunk assured them calmly.

"Paxon isn't getting a redemption arc!" Four voices shouted back in unison.

"Wait, wait! Guys!" Pidge gasped, " _Arantxa doesn't have a tattoo on her back_!"

All five screamed, "It's Axtnara!"

"I thought Heston killed her!" Lance shrieked, clutching a pillow, "Why did she have to come back? She's so creepy!"

"Robots aren't creepy, Lance." They all screamed as Axtnara suddenly tripled in size, towering over Joe with gleaming red eyes. "What the quiznak?! Robots aren't supposed to do that!"

"What do they mean she mutated?" Hunk shouted, exasperated, "She was already a magical evil robot clone created by a vengeance spell. Now she's a mutant on top of that?!"

"It's a bit thin as far as plots go. The writers they used were a bit green during this storyline." Coran explained, "Everyone was pretty upset about Axtnara coming back."

They paused when another knock sounded at the door. Shiro cleared his throat, "If you don't open this door, Allura and I are going to tell you how the show ends."

All five froze. Keith finally spoke, "You're bluffing."

"Are we?" Allura challenged, "Arantxa isn't actually the pink paladin!"

A collective gasp filled the room. Coran paled, "She's not bluffing."

Pidge scrambled to open the door as Shiro spoke up, "Paxon is actually-"

The door opened.

Shiro and Allura grinned triumphantly as the team sighed.

Keith leaned back against the couch, "You know, it's a shame. I was really looking forward to some more team bonding."

Hunk perked up a little, sensing Keith's new angle, "Yeah, I really feel a lot more connected as a team."

Shiro frowned, "Look, training is more important than-"

Pidge looked over at the group collected on the couch, "It feels like we're a family now."

"Just missing space mom and space dad," Lance tacked on, throwing an exaggerated sad face over his shoulder.

Allura frowned, briefly glancing over at Shiro, then she sighed in resignation and joined them on the couch, "Catch us up."

Shiro reluctantly joined in. All too soon, they were up to speed and the group collectively resumed watching.

"Ha! I told you Paxon would get a redemption arc!" Hunk yelled in triumph.

"Yeah, yeah," Keith sighed.

"I mean, it was all there. We didn't know about his past. He was pining after one of the paladins."

"We get it, Hunk," Lance grimaced.

"Plus, he even saved that little kid from the boulder trap!"

"Yes, Hunk, you were right!" Shiro replied, exasperated. "We heard you the first time."

"Wait, _Paxon's_ the pink paladin?"

"I knew it!" Allura shouted with a broad grin.

Coran sent her a small smile, "Atrocious show, eh?"

"It's growing on me," she answered with a light blush.


End file.
